Revamping in progress

Hello. Please forgive me! I am currently away and will be back soon. Do find me on both twitter and instagr.am! @mahirahmichiko

Ben Quick

In this world, everybody have different purposes. Ten people could be going to one printing lab but unlikely to be printing duplicates. Ten people could be crossing one road but most likely to be going on separate ways at the other end. Ten people could be ordering the same burger but some might be out of pure hunger, out of mad cravings, that is all that he could afford, the last choice, forced to, asked to, let to only for the day, and the list goes on.

Today I feel very satisfied with what I have done. I didn't sleep through the night, and only rested from 8.30am to 1pm. But all that I listed in the to-do list, 6 of them, were all stroked off by 8pm. Bravo. Big bravo to me. I have been working on something for the past 15 days and finally finishing in 2 more steps. Some things just has to get done.

It has been a very productive January, rather slow month now that I realized its only 25th. Considering the fact that within these 25 days, I had plenty days that passed by with me staring the floor that could put even statue Sir Stamford Raffles who is looking forward, to shame.

I wish I could share more about my life, honestly. But its getting too personal to every bit. Until here.

Leslie Feist

So on the left is me pouting an air kiss and my bestfriend, and on the right is the two gifts I gave her from my last overseas trip to Cebu, of which, the next day is her birthday. Sweeet… I've got her hooked onto Himalayan Tea, we watched Victoria Secrets and giggle at most of Miranda's appearance. The day that would have been good out on the beach but just too immensely hot to handle.

Frontal

It is 6.30 in the morning on the first day of a brand new year. And seriously, gonna sound pathetic to be questioning myself whether I should hold onto my tears any longer. There's a hole in my mind, somewhere in my body, there's just something missing, like a limb and I really miss it. and oh golly these tears are like on leash always fighting its way out of my eyes badly but none trickles and causing me to have a red nose like there's a huge force coming from within. A little trigger and it will escape, unleashed and I will turn into this beast, sobbing but in immense anger.

I just turned soulless since I came back from Germany in November 2011. And it all started with an argument that I had in Munich. It was this unjustified quarrel that up till today, my side of the story wasn't being told finish and I regret it so much because no one will hear me out because its like an expired argument, pointless and unable to review back. I am just weak with arguments because I cry when I get angry, I'm so weak! Frankly, as far as I want to, I don't want to have any relations with that someone at all but circumstances do not allow me to. It is not about just this once and I'm acting like this. Its a build up of my whole lifetime past stories that led up to this. Its just years of plot to achieve where and what I'm feeling right now. I've turned down so many traveling opportunities because I do not want to allow myself to be trapped in such agony again. I just feel like a piece of unused paper crumpled and crushed up into a ball and thrown basketball style thrashed into the bin. Whatever lifeless creature or item I come across, I could relate to them, last funny inanimate thing was cockles. I felt like a cockle, as I was eating some fried noodles.

Insya'Allah I will pray for a better tomorrow everyday. And too bad, I'm already crying on the first day of the year. Unlike last year, unlike last two years, unlike last three years. And on top all of that, I detached myself from people that loves me, that care for me. Affected or infected is my doubt but I only think that PEOPLE WHO REALLY WANTS IT, WOULD FIGHT FOR IT. Selfish act but I don't want to hold onto thorns right into my skin. I might need to find a comb to 'tame' and 'straighten' it out again.

Wouldn't it be sad? to start all over again, unable to go to places where you've been with someone else. Can you imagine? You've travelled the world with that someone special and when time comes to its wits end, you aren't able to think of it ever again because it hurts? Imagine you can't go to anywhere with someone new because you've been there with someone else of which memories has been deeply carved onto the rocks? Within the country itself, imagine planting a rose at every step you've been with Person AA and when it ended, all roses turned into thorns. You can never go out of house without being hurt. Its hard, to just think of it, when it hasn't even happened!

December is over and it was supposed to be the happiest month that I'll always have but not for 2011's. It is the festive season, my birthday month, people's day offs, the cold weather, the people i-love's birthday months, the holiday season, the bonus. Most importantly I thought, it was my birthday month but the number of people who wished me was countable with the fingers on one hand, just because I didn't make it visible at facebook, well, on purpose. And it truly shows, who remembers and who doesn't. You'll be surprised… And for the record, I received a present from my work place and dinner there too. It was a sweet memory, on the night before the actual day itself. Acoustic and ben&jerry's with salmon overload and warm waffles with ice cream on a cold night, laughters and prayers unforgotten, and a too sweet birthday gift surprise right at midnight. It was a short 6 hour party of 2. And then came down all the silent thunders of feud on the actual day itself, what luck! By the time I got home, I was too worked out till I slept through the evening alone at home. Maybe sometimes I think I'm asking for too much, but as far as I remember, I only wanted a full body massage and sweet loving with sushi on that day. To me, and to whoever that knows me very well, I always want anything to happen on that day to be very special. Very special or nothing at all, nothing in between. Unfortunately, with that one experience, you now know who needs to get to know you better.

Its 2012 now and the world might come to an end, everything might turn tables. Two years ago I got a ticket to a love journey that feels like its ending soon. Last year, I was on an adventure in China and Middle East. And this year, 2 of my close friends meet and we made our very own party with great music, food and place. I really cannot describe how much it means to me and how special it is. Also getting to watch the fireworks from the 21st floor. Its funny how I met someone on this day years back and we hold on to be together still but I've never got to spend this day together with him anymore even though we're still together? I'm just getting unwiser these days, growing dependent on someone who can't be there for me. I'm going to be that stupid girl who clings on in a relationship that I thought I wouldn't be. The kind of bullcrap you go through. But I still thank God there's no party of 3 in this boat, not yet maybe. The problem with long term relationships is, you are too tired to start all over again, reintroducing likes and dislikes, families, friends, behavior, illness, routine.

Just got to buck up and pull those socks up in my Courage. Well done for Confidence, well done for Care. Just be stronger, dear self.